Choosing Kindness: My Journey to Responding Better to My Kids' Mistakes

Woman with a frustrated expression, hold holding tensed hands around her head.

Table of Contents

1. Understanding the Importance of Kind Responses

2. Preparing Before Frustration Strikes

- Identifying Triggers and Weaknesses

- Visualization and Response Planning

- Creating a Proactive Response Plan

3. Handling the Moment of Frustration

- Staying Calm Amidst Challenges

- Recognizing Opportunities for Learning

- Encouraging Communication and Problem-Solving

- Leading by Example and Offering Support

- Celebrating Progress and Teaching Self-Compassion

4. What To Do After the Moment Passes

- Reconnecting and Repairing

- Self-Evaluation and Showing Yourself Grace

5. Conclusion: Impact of Our Responses on Our Children's Development

Striving for a kinder response

I feel that I am generally a patient person, but I do have my triggers and a tipping point. Moreover, my threshold for tolerance shifts significantly depending on my internal state. For instance, when I'm fatigued or lacking rest, I tend to become grumpy and easily irritated. That's why, on a recent night when my two girls woke me at 3:30 am to clean up two messes, I wasn't as kind as I should have been. To be fair, I wasn't unreasonably harsh, but I could sense a sharpness in my tone that I regretted later. My questioning was driven more by frustration than helpfulness, a reaction I wish I could have handled differently.

My youngest, newly turned 4, removed her pullup, put on regular underwear, and then accidentally wet the bed, understandably causing distress. Meanwhile, my freshly minted 5-year-old, attempting to seek our help, also ended up wetting herself while waiting outside our door. A heads-up about the damp situation would have been appreciated. Thankfully, I wasn't wearing socks, sparing me from a more unpleasant experience of stepping into the puddle.

Looking back, I can now chuckle, recognizing that, in the grand scheme, it wasn't an overwhelmingly dire situation. Much worse has happened, but in the heat of the moment, I couldn't summon that same clarity or perspective. I aspire to do better. I'm not aiming for perfection, but I strive to respond in a more positive manner. I want to model kindness for my kids and teach them (and myself) the art of emotional regulation.

 I want to model kindness for my kids and teach them (and myself) the art of emotional regulation.

Wanting to improve is a significant step, but I need tangible ways to put this desire into practice. Simply aiming for a better response in the moment won't suffice. So, I sought practical techniques to implement. Here's what I discovered.

Why responding with kindness is important to our kids development.

Firstly, it’s crucial to understand why my response is significant to my kids' development. Not only is this awareness essential, but it also serves as a tool I can rely on in moments when my emotions try to take control. Having this knowledge enables me to step back and perceive a broader picture—considering my child’s overall growth and development—rather than succumbing to an immediate reaction. Just like painting, a few unrefined brush strokes might not harm the canvas, but too many can create chaos.

Responding with kindness when our kids make a mistake yields numerous benefits for their well-being, self-worth, growth, and development. Here are a few key highlights:

- Establishes a safe environment for learning and growth

- Nurtures resilience

- Imparts empathy

- Encourages them to learn from their errors without fearing judgment

- Builds trust and strengthens the parent-child relationship

Preparing Before Frustration Strikes

Know Thyself

To truly understand your emotional landscape, dedicate a week to focused self-reflection through journaling. Here's a detailed plan to help identify triggers and weaknesses, followed by proactive response planning:

1. Journaling Week: Commit to journaling daily for at least one week. Note down your reactions, emotions, and the circumstances surrounding moments of frustration or tension, especially in interactions with your child.

2. Identify Weaknesses and Triggers:

   - Review your journal entries at the end of the week. Identify patterns where you felt most vulnerable or triggered.

   - Pinpoint specific scenarios or behaviors that consistently lead to frustration or stress.

3. Visualization and Response Planning:

   - Select one or two situations from your journal where you struggled to respond kindly.

   - Visualize the scenario vividly. Imagine the trigger occurring and your initial emotional response.

   - Now, visualize yourself responding differently, embodying kindness and understanding. Picture yourself remaining calm and empathetic.

4. Rehearse Your Response:

   - Once you've visualized a more positive response, mentally rehearse it. Envision yourself implementing this response in a similar real-life situation.

   - Practice how you would regulate your emotions and communicate kindly, almost as if rehearsing for a play.

5. Create a Proactive Response Plan:

   - Based on your visualized responses, create a plan for how you'll handle similar situations in the future.

   - Outline actionable steps, such as taking a deep breath, using calming phrases, or taking a brief pause before responding.

 Having a plan going into these moments will give you the weapons, sorry, the tools, needed to shower your child with a kindness that will positively impact them in the moment and for the rest of their lives.

By dedicating time to journaling, self-reflection, and proactive response planning, you'll not only identify your triggers and weaknesses but also equip yourself with a clear roadmap for responding with kindness in challenging situations. Having a battle plan going into war… Ok as crazy as these moments can be, that may be too dramatic… Having a plan going into these moments will give you the weapons, sorry, the tools, needed to shower your child with a kindness that will positively impact them in the moment and for the rest of their lives.

Handling the Moment of Frustration:

After preparing ahead of time you should have some awareness and perspective to help when the frustration hits. But choosing in those moments to put that awareness to positive and productive work can still be a challenge. Gaining awareness and perspective is like strapping on our tool belt. Now its time fill that thing with the right tools for when the hard work (of parenting crazy kids!)  begins. Here are some ideas that could be helpful to add to your tool belt.

Stay Calm: When a mistake happens, it’s essential to remain composed. Your reaction sets the tone for how your child perceives their error. But! Much easier said than done (especially at 3:30am!). One of the best things you can do in this moment is to Pause, breathe deeply, and focus on that breath. Don’t respond until you are ready to respond well. If you win here, and pause before responding with your initial instinct, then you have won most the battle.  When we are annoyed or agitated particular hormones kick in causing you to respond in a way you may regret once those particular hormones settle down. You need to take the reigns back. One of the best ways to do this is with your breath. Take slow and intentional breathes (and yes, maybe even counting to ten) can increase calmness and help you focus on the behavior and not the child.

Recognize the opportunity: When mistakes happen it is always a learning opportunity. And rest assured, our kids are learning something from our response (or lack of response), good or ill, every single time. Here are a few things to keep in mind when considering the opportunity you have with each mistake you child makes:

Encourage Communication: Create an open environment where your child feels comfortable discussing their mistakes without fear of judgment.

Focus on the Behavior, Not the Child: Emphasize that it's the action that was a mistake, not them as a person. This helps separate their self-worth from their behavior.

Teach Problem-Solving: Guide them through understanding what went wrong and encourage them to brainstorm solutions. This empowers them to handle similar situations better in the future.

Lead by Example: Show how you handle your own mistakes. Children learn a lot from observing how adults navigate errors. 

Offer Support: Let them know you’re there to help, offering guidance or assistance if needed.

Use Positive Reinforcement: Acknowledge their efforts to rectify the mistake or their courage in admitting it. This reinforces the importance of honesty and effort.

Avoid Over-Criticism: Criticism should be constructive and not overly harsh. Too much negativity can discourage a child from taking healthy risks or trying new things.

Forgiveness and Moving Forward: Once the mistake has been acknowledged and corrected, focus on moving forward. Help them understand that everyone makes mistakes, and it's part of learning and growing.

Teach Self-Compassion: Encourage your child to be kind to themselves. Mistakes are part of life, and it's crucial for them to understand that they are not defined by their errors.

Celebrate Progress: When they apply lessons learned from a mistake in the future, acknowledge and celebrate their growth. Positive reinforcement reinforces positive behavior.

Each child is unique, so it's essential to adapt these tips to your child's personality and the situation at hand. Showing empathy, patience, and understanding can go a long way in nurturing a positive response to mistakes.

What To Do After the Moment Passes

Reconnecting

After a tense moment has subsided, focus on reconnecting with your child. Re-establishing a positive connection is crucial for moving forward.

Create a Calm Environment: Ensure the atmosphere is peaceful before attempting to reconnect.

Offer Affection: Show physical warmth or verbal affection to reaffirm your love and support for your child.

Engage in an Activity: Share a calming activity or spend quality time together to rebuild rapport.

Apologize and Repair

If your response missed the mark, it's an invaluable teaching moment. Emphasize that imperfection is a part of being human, and even parents make mistakes. This presents an opportunity to impart a vital lesson.

Teach Imperfection: Share with your child that everyone, including parents, can have challenging moments. Emphasize the importance of learning and growing from these experiences.

Model Apology: By apologizing sincerely, you demonstrate humility and accountability. Explain that apologizing is a powerful and positive trait.

Highlight the Gift of Apology: Explain to your child that apologizing is a gift—it mends relationships and shows respect for others' feelings.

By embracing moments of imperfection and showcasing the strength in acknowledging mistakes, you not only repair the bond with your child but also teach them the value of humility, empathy, and the strength found in genuine apologies. This lesson becomes an essential part of their emotional toolkit, aiding them in their relationships and personal growth.

Self-Evaluation

Take time to reflect on the incident after emotions have settled. Self-evaluation is crucial for personal growth and improvement.

Reflect on Your Response: Analyze how you handled the situation. What worked well, and what could be improved?

Identify Triggers: Revisit your triggers and weaknesses identified earlier. Consider how they played a role in the situation.

Show Yourself Grace

Be compassionate toward yourself. Everyone has moments of frustration; the key is to learn and grow from them.

Practice Self-Compassion: Remind yourself that making mistakes is a part of being human. Treat yourself with kindness and understanding.

Focus on Improvement: Use the experience as a learning opportunity. Commit to applying what you've learned in future interactions.

By taking intentional steps to reconnect, repair any emotional rift, self-evaluate, and extend yourself grace, you not only mend the bond with your child but also foster personal growth. Responding with kindness doesn't mean perfection; it means acknowledging mistakes, learning from them, and striving to do better in the future. This journey of self-improvement sets a powerful example for your child, teaching resilience and the importance of reflection and growth.

Conclusion: The Impact of Our Responses on Our Children's Development

In moments of frustration, I can recall thinking to myself they are young, they wont remember this response, and I will do better next time.  And that is true, I can do better at the next interchange of emotions and responses, and we should give ourselves and abundance of grace in this parenting thing we are trying to do well. But it is a grave mistake for me to believe that just because my kids are young means they are not affected by my response. In fact, these are years they are being most affected by my responses. While striving to improve is commendable, it's vital to recognize the profound impact our responses have on our children, regardless of their age.

Saying "they are young" might lead us to assume that they won't remember or be affected by our reactions. However, this belief overlooks a fundamental truth: who they are becoming is shaped more in these moments than at any other time.

Remember…

Every Interaction Matters: Each interaction, each response—whether filled with patience or marred by frustration—contributes to the shaping of our children's emotional intelligence, resilience, and perception of the world.

 Building Blocks of Character: Our responses lay the groundwork for the values they embrace, the way they handle adversity, and the relationships they form. It's during these formative years that their character takes shape.

The Power of Influence: As parents, guardians, or mentors, our actions carry immense weight. How we respond to their mistakes teaches them about kindness, accountability, and the importance of growth.

 Now Shapes Tomorrow: Their young minds absorb and learn from our behavior, forming a blueprint for their own future actions and reactions.

In essence, the moments of frustration and our responses to them are pivotal in molding the individuals our children will become. It's not just about doing better next time; it's about acknowledging the significance of these moments and actively choosing responses that foster their emotional well-being and growth.

Remember, our interactions today help shape the adults they will become tomorrow. Embracing these opportunities to respond with kindness and understanding not only nurtures a strong bond but also cultivates the attributes that will guide them throughout their lives. Every response, no matter how seemingly insignificant, plays a part in crafting their story. It’s time! Not to be perfect, but to wake up and wink and be as intentional as we can!