Learn How to Say No So You Can Say Yes to the Best Things in Life
A lady with a shocked look on her face and her arms in the air protecting herself from from falling colorful balls.
Introduction:
Do you have trouble saying “No”? Whether it's due to a fear of missing out or a fear of letting people down, many of us struggle to muster the courage to decline. However, our failure to say "No" often leads to many negative consequences. The often overlooked truth is that we say "No" way more often than we realize, even if the syllable never passes through our lips. Every time we say "Yes" to something, we are simultaneously saying "No" to something else, many things in fact, whether we realize it or not. We only have limited time, energy, and resources, and while there are effective strategies to stretch and make the most of them, we all have a maximum capacity. So, when we choose to spend time, energy, or resources on one thing, we are, in essence, saying "No" to many other things that we cannot afford.
“Every time we say "Yes" to something, we are simultaneously saying "No" to something else, many things in fact, whether we realize it or not.”
Let's take my favorite meal of the day as an example: breakfast. I could eat it for any meal of the day, but the problem is, when I sit down at a restaurant, I can never decide. Do I want something hearty and savory, or do I want something sweet and buttery? More often than not, instead of deciding, I say "Yes" to it all. I end up ordering a full feast: 3 eggs, bacon, toast, grits (yep, welcome to the South!), a biscuit with gravy, three pancakes, and maybe a slice of French toast for dessert. Every time I say "Yes" to it all, I do so with the mistaken confidence that I can manage it all! And every time, I either leave a bounty of food on the table or leave feeling miserably and uncomfortably over-satisfied. As they say, my eyes are often bigger than my stomach.
On the rare occasion I allow experience and reason to decide, I act with the reasonable assumption that this probably is not my last meal on earth. So, I order something I can actually stomach. My eyes and my stomach come into alignment, and I end up enjoying my meal and leave feeling appropriately satisfied.
Misconceptions of Always Saying Yes:
There are prevalent misconceptions about saying "Yes" to everything. Our society often puts busyness on a pedestal and idolizes those who appear to be able to do it all (though often, under the surface, they are drowning in commitments and living a stressed-out existence). Contrary to popular belief, saying "Yes" to everything does not guarantee happiness or the admiration of others. In fact, it can have negative consequences.
It's time to see the truth clearly so we can begin saying "Yes" to the right things.
Trying to please everyone:
This is my kryptonite. I am a people-pleaser, and I want the people around me to be happy. But the truth is, we can't please everyone all the time, and it may be impossible to please just one person all the time. By trying to please everyone, we often neglect our own needs and well-being, leading to burnout and a sense of overwhelm. Many times, in our attempts, we end up pleasing no one. Instead of fruitlessly striving to make everyone happy, it is much more fruitful and fulfilling to seek alignment between our "Yes" and our values. When we learn to do this, we begin to find the peace and contentment of living in harmony with our true selves. This leads to discovering and living into the best and most fulfilling parts of ourselves. The funny thing is, when we are living this way, we often seem to contribute value to the lives of those around us. This is a more genuine sense of "pleasing" others.
“By trying to please everyone, we often neglect our own needs and well-being, leading to burnout and a sense of overwhelm.”
2. FOMO:
Additionally, the fear of missing out (FOMO) can drive us to accept every opportunity that comes our way, leaving us without the time and energy to pursue what truly matters to us.
3. Productivity myth:
Moreover, constantly saying "Yes" can hinder our productivity and prevent us from focusing on the activities that align with our goals and values. Just because we are busy doesn't mean we are being productive. It's 100 times better to check the right thing off your list than to check off 100 of the wrong things. It's essential to recognize that setting boundaries and selectively saying "No" does not make us selfish or ungrateful; rather, it allows us to prioritize our time, energy, and resources on what truly matters, fostering personal growth, healthier relationships, and a greater sense of fulfillment.
The Benefits of Saying No:
Saying "No" can be a challenging task, but it brings forth numerous benefits that positively impact our lives. Let's explore the advantages of embracing the power of saying "No."
Reduced Stress and Overwhelm:
Saying "Yes" to every request or opportunity that comes our way often leaves us stretched thin, juggling too many commitments and responsibilities. This constant busyness leads to heightened stress levels and a sense of overwhelm. Moreover, when we take on too much, we may not be able to do any of it well. By selectively saying "No," we create space to breathe, allowing ourselves to focus on essential tasks and activities that align with our priorities, and to complete those tasks with better results. Reduced stress levels enable us to approach life with greater joy and a clearer mind.
2. Increased Focus and Productivity:
When we say "Yes" to everything, our attention becomes scattered, and our energy is spread across numerous obligations. This dilution of focus and energy can dampen our productivity, preventing us from performing at our best. By saying "No" to non-essential commitments, we can direct our attention and energy towards the tasks that truly matter, enabling us to dive deeper, work more efficiently, and achieve better outcomes. Sometimes this will require making tough decisions. There may be good things to which we say "No" in order to say "Yes" to the best things. Embracing selective "Yeses" allows us to maximize our potential and make meaningful progress towards our goals.
“By saying "No" to non-essential commitments, we can direct our attention and energy towards the tasks that truly matter”
3. Improved Work-Life Balance:
Saying "No" is essential for establishing a healthy work-life balance, both for life and work. At work, if we are able to set boundaries and decline commitments that don't align with our priorities, we create space for personal and family time. This balance is crucial for our overall well-being, as it allows us to recharge, nurture our relationships, pursue hobbies, and engage in self-care activities. Prioritizing our personal lives alongside professional endeavors not only enhances our satisfaction and happiness but also contributes to long-term success and fulfillment.
Most of us can't or maybe don't want to give up careers to spend all our time with our family, friends, and pursuing passion projects. We need to dedicate significant chunks of time to securing income, which will limit the time we have for our family. That's why it is just as important to consider what you say "Yes" and "No" to when it comes to family time. At the end of the day, you may be so emotionally spent that you are tempted to say "Yes" to mindlessly scrolling through social media all night. We must realize that in doing so, we may be saying "Yes" to an opportunity to spend quality time with family and create special memories.
4. A Better Understanding of Our True Selves:
Saying "No" is an act of self-awareness and self-respect. When we intentionally decline opportunities that don't align with our values, interests, or long-term vision, we gain a deeper understanding of who we are and what we truly want. It helps us clarify our priorities and make choices that are in line with our authentic selves. This self-discovery process fosters personal growth and empowers us to live a more purposeful and fulfilling life, guided by our true desires and aspirations. When our self and our choices are in alignment, we live our most fulfilled lives.
Why To Say No (By Deciding What You Want To Say Yes To!):
Saying "No" can be hard for some of us, so what can help is instead practicing saying "Yes." I know, this seems like a hard pivot, but it builds on an idea we've already brought up: when we say "Yes," we are saying "No" to something else. The inverse is also true: when we say "No" to something, we free up time, energy, and resources to say "Yes" to something else. So instead of focusing on your "No," first determine your "Yes." This starts with identifying and choosing to live into your values.
Here's a guide to help you identify your values and prioritize them:
Simple Guide to Identifying and Living Into Your Values:
Reflecting on Personal Values:
The first step in aligning our choices with our values is to reflect on what truly matters to us and our families. Set aside uninterrupted time for introspection and family conversation to define your core values—those principles and beliefs that guide your actions and decisions. Consider what brings you joy, fulfillment, and a sense of purpose. Explore the values that shape your relationships, work, and overall lifestyle. Ask questions like:
What do you care about?
What excites you?
What causes are dear to your heart?
When you have been the most fulfilled and joyful, what were you doing?
2. Evaluate Current Commitments:
Next, evaluate your current commitments and activities. Take a look at your daily routines, work engagements, social commitments, hobbies, and even how you spend your leisure time. Do they reflect your values? Is there anything that feels incongruent with your values or drains your energy? Identifying these discrepancies can help you pinpoint areas where saying "No" might be necessary.
3. Prioritizing Your Values:
Once you have a clearer understanding of your values, it's important to prioritize them in your life. If your life is out of alignment with your values, what can you do to bring these into better alignment?
Try writing down the things you do regularly and then rank them on a scale from 1 to 10. The higher the number, the more in line that commitment or activity is with your values, and the lower for those less in line. Evaluate the scores. Are you happy with the number of high numbers you have?
Consider those on your list with a low score. Recognize areas where saying "No" can create room for what aligns better with your values. Are there things you can give up, ramp down, or change to free up time and energy for more of the higher-value items? It's not always easy to decline invitations or let go of commitments, but doing so frees up time and energy for the activities that truly resonate with you. Saying "No" to non-essential obligations allows you to say "Yes" to what truly matters, enabling you to invest your resources into experiences and relationships that align with your values.
Additionally, involving your family in discussions about values can be valuable. Engage in open conversations where everyone has the opportunity to express their values and the things important to them. It can be eye-opening and fun to discover shared values and find ways to incorporate them into your family's decision-making process. By aligning as a family, you can prioritize what matters most and support each other in saying "No" to activities that do not align. My family has found value in writing a mission statement that we revisit and use as a measure against how we choose to use our time, energy, and resources.
The Mechanics of Saying No:
Ok, here we are. Understanding that every time we say "Yes" we say "No" to many more things, understanding misconceptions about saying "Yes" all the time, and identifying our values can be a tremendous help in our journey to our best "Yes," but when it comes down to delivering that "No" to our friend, co-worker, or even boss, HOW DO WE DO IT?!?!
Telling someone "No" can be challenging, especially if you're accustomed to saying "Yes" to every request. However, with practice and the right mindset, you can develop the skills and confidence to decline politely and assertively. Here are a few strategies to help you practice saying "No" effectively:
Practicing Assertiveness and Communication Skills:
Being assertive is crucial when saying "No." Practice expressing your thoughts and opinions confidently, without feeling the need to apologize or justify your choices excessively. Use clear and direct language to communicate your decision, focusing on the impact it will have on your time, energy, or alignment with your values. By practicing assertiveness, you will feel more empowered and in control of your choices. Sometimes we think being assertive is being rude, but it doesn't have to be. Being assertive comes from being clear about what you are willing to do and not. You can clearly communicate while remaining kind.
2. Learning to Decline Politely and Graciously:
Saying "No" doesn't mean being rude or dismissive. It's important to decline requests or invitations politely and graciously.
Start by expressing your appreciation for the opportunity or the person's consideration.
Then, provide a concise but honest explanation for why you're unable to accommodate the request.
Offer alternative solutions or suggest other resources that might be helpful.
If you're like me, it is hard for me to do this on the spot. If this is you, give yourself space to prepare how you will respond by asking for time to consider the request and get back to them. This will provide you time to consider if you should say "Yes" or "No," and to form your response. By declining with kindness and respect, you maintain healthy relationships while setting clear boundaries.
3. Setting Realistic Expectations for Yourself and Others:
One reason we struggle to say "No" is because we have unrealistic expectations of ourselves. I am really hard on future me. In the moment, I overestimate the amount of time, energy, and resources I will have to accomplish the things I say "Yes" to. Understand that it's impossible to do everything, and it's okay to prioritize your well-being and commitments. Set realistic expectations for what you can reasonably handle, both personally and professionally. This is something we can get better at judging if we are intentional to pay attention and learn from our experiences. By managing your own expectations, you'll feel less guilt or pressure when declining certain requests. In fact, you may see that it would be unkind to accept because you will not have the ability to perform or participate at a level that honors the request. Additionally, help others manage their expectations by being transparent about your availability and limitations.
4. Building a Support System of Like-Minded Individuals:
Surrounding yourself with like-minded individuals who understand the importance of setting boundaries and saying no can be incredibly helpful. Seek out a support system of family, friends, or colleagues who encourage and respect your decision to prioritize what aligns with your values. Share experiences, tips, and struggles with each other, and learn from their insights. Having a support system will provide the encouragement and validation you need to stay committed to your choices. It may even be necessary to consider a career change if you find that your current job is far outside your values or doesn't afford you the reserves of energy, time, and resources for what's most important outside of work.
Conclusion:
Saying no can be challenging and takes practice to do it well and for the right things. It can be intimidating, and we may worry about what others will think. Yes, sometimes people may get upset or be disappointed when we say no, but often it will not be nearly as bad as we build it up to be. You may find that people come to respect you even more for your ability to say yes to the right things and no to the wrong things. Being around someone whose values and life are in alignment is an encouraging and inspiring thing. Just remember that with every yes, you are saying no to many more things. You have the energy, time, and resources for so many yeses. Make sure they are the right ones!