The Number One Ingredient for the Best Childhood Ever!
A smiling boy on a swing set in mid swing.
My wife was out of town for a few days attending a training, so my mom came to help with the kids. Instead of taking them to daycare, she kept them at home. I told her she was brave, considering that daycare was paid for, and I easily could take them on my way to work. However, she insisted on staying with them. I understood her perspective. She doesn't get to see them as much as she'd like, so when she's here, she wants to make the most of every minute.
On the first morning, everything was going well. It was a pleasant change not to worry about getting the kids ready, wrangling them in and out of the car, and checking them into their classrooms. The pace was nice.
But when it was time for me to leave, Shay (4) asked me, "Daddy, where are you going?"
I replied, "I've got to go to work."
She began to pout and told me she wanted me to stay with her. I was touched, but that wasn't an option. I assured her that I would see her later, which was true, but I knew even then it would only be a few minutes before I had to turn around and go to an evening meeting.
The next morning, she tried a different tactic. This time, as I was about to grab my bag for work, she came up to me and said, "Daddy, I'm glad that you're staying with me today." She is a clever little girl. I had no idea what made her say it, but that statement touched my core. I wanted in that moment to say, "Of course, baby girl! I am staying with you today, and we are going to have so much fun!" But I couldn't. I really did need to go in that day.
I told her that I had to go to work, but I would be back later. She wrapped herself around my leg, let out a cry, and said, "but I want you to stay with me."
That hit me. Her little hand had my heart in a vice, and she was squeezing with all she had. I didn't want to leave her this way, so I broke protocol and bribed her. I told her, "I have to go because if I don't go, I can't pick up a surprise for you on my way home!"
It was a bit cheap, but it did the trick. The thought of a surprise appeased her and made her forget that she wanted me to stay.
Love: The Most Important Ingredient
There are many ingredients that contribute to a fulfilling and vibrant childhood. Our kids need a safe environment, education, and opportunities for play and exploration. But the ingredient that outweighs them all is love.
Genuine, unconditional love, given generously, is the most vital ingredient in shaping a child's happiness and well-being during their formative years. Love provides a strong foundation for a child's emotional well-being and helps them feel secure, supported, and valued. When children receive love, they develop trust and confidence, which are essential for their overall growth and development.
“Genuine, unconditional love, given generously, is the most vital ingredient in shaping a child's happiness and well-being during their formative years.”
A loving and caring environment fosters positive attachments, promotes healthy social interactions, and encourages a child to explore the world with confidence. It also helps children build resilience, cope with challenges, and develop a positive self-image.
Blue Bell Ice Cream (Better Quality)
I have a childhood memory of my mom making blackberry cobbler from the wild blackberries my sister and I would pick around the house. Somehow, that came up in a conversation with a friend who confessed she had never tasted blackberry cobbler. My jaw dropped, and I knew we had to rectify this gross injustice. We set a date for her to come over for dinner with cobbler to follow, and she brought the ice cream. I realized that she brought one of those expensive kinds that I always overlook. I usually go for the cheap kind, thinking, "Ice cream is ice cream."
After dinner, while the cobbler was still warm, we each made a bowl and put a scoop (or 2, or 3) of ice cream on top. Not to toot my own horn, but it was the best blackberry cobbler I had ever tasted! My friend agreed (granted, it was the first one she had ever tasted). After dinner, she took the rest of her ice cream home with her.
All day the next day, I was looking forward to getting home and having another serving of cobbler. I stopped at the store to buy some ice cream to go on top, opting for the cheap kind. Again, Ice cream is ice cream, right? After dinner, I made another serving (or 2, or 3), but it wasn't the same. It wasn't nearly as good or satisfying. I was so confused. Finally, we realized that it wasn't the cobbler but the ice cream that made the difference, and the difference was significant.
I never knew the difference in quality because I had never tasted the higher quality ice cream. But it truly made a world of difference. And, of course, now I am ruined. I can never buy the $3 tub. I must buy the $8 tub, and I do so gladly. (In case you're wondering, it's Blue Bell's Homemade Vanilla.)
Love is the most essential ingredient our kids need to thrive. But the quality of how we show that love makes all the difference in whether their childhood will be the best ever.
That day, I offered my daughter a cheap, off-brand love: a trinket surprise from the store.
And I withheld the higher quality love: quality time with her daddy.
Why Presence is Better Than Presents
I have no doubt that for the vast majority of parents, the quality of love they have for their children is second to none. The level of affection and desire for goodness for their children is beyond expression. But that love has a way of being diluted upon delivery. This happens when our love is filtered through all the things we carry as parents and functioning adults.
Here are a few factors that, if we aren't careful, may be diluting the quality of our love:
Work demands
Financial stress
Mental and physical health
Relationship issues
Convenience of technology
Abundance of distractions
Personal struggles
Lack of support systems
Lack of rest and self-care
Mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion
Parental burnout
It's important for us to recognize the impact these factors have on our ability to show our immense love in the best way. Recognizing it alone will help us, but we may also need to find intentional ways to remove or lessen the impact of these factors in our lives.
I have seen this happen in my life more often than I want:
After a long day, when I am tired, I am much more likely to turn the TV on for the kids rather than turning on one of our favorite songs and having a dance party, or getting in the floor to play.
More than once, I have caught myself checking financial accounts on my phone while my kids rode their bikes around the neighborhood cul-de-sac.
And sadly, more times than I can count, I have allowed presents for my kids to be a cheap substitute for my presence.
Don't get me wrong; some of these presents were not cheap at all! But compared to what my kids really needed and wanted from me, they were cheap. They were cheap but more costly than I knew at the time. But the cost wasn't money. I was paying with time and opportunities to truly and fully be with my kids that I will never get back.
But I Must Work
I wish I could have stayed home with Shay the rest that day, but the reality is, I do need to work. That's not a bad thing. Honestly, I even enjoy working and get a lot of satisfaction and fulfillment from what I do. And I hope that I model for my kids the joy and benefits of doing work that fulfills them while also modeling being a great parent who is able to love them with the best I have to give. To do so, I need to be even more intentional with the time I do have with them. Both quality and quantity are important factors to consider, but in some seasons of life, we have more control over the quality of our time than the quantity. Even if you are able to become financially independent, quit your job, and spend every waking hour with your family, there are still only 24 hours in a day. Measuring quality, though, is not a zero-sum game. In your efforts to make the most of the time you have, be it 10 hours a day or 2 hours a day, the possibilities for cultivating quality time are endless.
Here are some strategies to help you increase both quantity and, more importantly, quality time with your family:
Establish Priorities: Clarify what you value most and make those your priority. Then set clear boundaries between work and family time. Understanding what truly matters to you helps you ensure that you allocate time and attention accordingly.
Create a Family Schedule: Plan a family schedule that includes specific times for family activities, meals, and bonding. Having a structured routine can help ensure that everyone knows when quality time is dedicated to being together.
Minimize Distractions: When you're spending time with your family, be present and minimize distractions like phones or work-related interruptions. Don't let low-value distractions rob you of opportunities to create high-value moments and memories.
Involve Your Children: Involve your children in age-appropriate household activities or hobbies you enjoy. It not only helps you bond but also teaches valuable life skills to your kids.
Maximize Weekends and Holidays: Make the most of weekends and holidays to plan special family outings or activities. These extended periods can provide more opportunities for bonding and relaxation.
Flexible Work Arrangements: If possible, explore flexible work arrangements, such as remote work or flexible hours, to better accommodate family commitments.
Utilize Commute Time: If you have a long commute, consider using this time to connect with your family, making use of technology to stay connected.
Family Meals: Prioritize regular family meals together. This time allows for conversations, sharing experiences, and strengthening family connections. Consider what traditions you can attach to family meals to make them unique and special for your family.
Limit Overcommitment: Be mindful of your family's schedule and avoid overcommitting to activities that might leave little time for meaningful family interactions.
Prioritize Self-Care: Take care of yourself physically and emotionally. More often than not, spending quality time takes more energy than doing something of lesser value. Too often, our family gets the dregs of our emotional and physical energies.
Be Kind to Yourself: Remember to give yourself grace and know that sometimes we will do great, and sometimes we will wish we had done better. We shouldn't beat ourselves up. The important thing is that we are thinking about these things and working towards more intentionality with our family time.
Conclusion:
When Shay looked up at me and said, "Daddy, I'm glad you're staying with me today," it cut to my core. But I was also thankful that she wants me to be there. She desires to spend time with me, to play with her toys together, color side by side, and play hide and seek over and over and over. These are special years. I realize that there may be a day when she doesn't care as much if Daddy stays with her or goes to work. And there will be a day, after she is grown and gone, when she will not be there to even ask me to stay. These precious years are moving fast.
So, some things I will continue to skimp on. I will still buy the cheap laundry detergent even though it is watered down. But some things aren't worth skimping on. Now, when I buy ice cream, it is the $8 tub of Blue Bell. My standards for toilet paper have increased significantly. But most of all, I will work every day to provide my family with the highest quality love I can muster.