5 Strategies to Leave Work at Work So You Can Be Fully Present with Family
Introduction: Putting Down Our Packs
I really enjoy backpacking (which I will do again when my kids can carry themselves). One of the best feelings in the world is the release of slipping your pack from your back after a long, rewarding day of hiking. The weight coming off is a literal burden lifted and gives a new dose of energy for the evening’s tasks and fun. Setting up the camp, collecting firewood, making dinner, sitting by the fire, and telling stories. I love it. But could you imagine how different the evening would be if you never took the time to slip your pack off your back and you carried that weight around with you all evening. There to weigh you down while setting up the tent, while collecting fire wood and making a fire, while cooking and eating. Can you imagine trying to get comfortable around the fire with that weight still clinging to you?
No one would do that. It just doesn’t make sense to carry your pack when you aren’t taking it anywhere; when the work for the day is done. It’s silly to think about, but it’s an image of what we often do after a long (hopefully rewarding) day of work. Instead of putting our ‘work packs’ down, we carry it with us by continuing to check emails, fixating on an interaction with a coworker, or stressing over what didn’t get done today and all that needs to happen tomorrow.
This not only makes doing the evening tasks less enjoyable and harder to do, but it keeps us from being present with those we love the most and sadly see less than we would like. In a typical setting, work gets about a third of our day. How do we ensure that when we are home, our family gets our focus instead of work.
Here are five strategies that can help us leave work at work so we can be present with family.
1) Create a “Transition Ritual”
A friend of mine works in a hospice center. She has long, challenging, and rewarding days, but when you do such emotional work, it can be hard to make a mental shift when getting home. She created a small ritual to help. She bought a decorative bowl and placed it on the table beside the door where she enters her home. Before she enters her house, she pauses, closes her eyes, and takes a few deep breathes. With each exhale she releases the day at the door. Then she opens the door, crosses the threshold, and drops her keys into the bowl. That act of dropping her keys at the door is her reminder to leave work right there. It tells her mind that, just like the keys she will leave work (the stresses, the list of to-dos, the difficult conversations) right there at the door. They are not permitted further in. They must wait until the morning when she can then pick them up again. (And a bonus; she always knows where her keys are!)
A ritual can be a powerful tool when put to use in purposeful ways. It is defined as a solemn set of actions performed in a prescribed way and order. When used purposefully, the action can have profound impacts on one’s state or mind and perspective. A few words to highlight from that definition:
Solemn: We need to give gravity and respect to this moment in your day. Allow it have all the meaning it needs so it can have the desired impact on your mind, and therefore, your evening.
Action: Do something. Include intentional movement. It can be as simple as my friend dropping her keys (and work) in the bowl at the door, or I could be dancing with your kids to your favorite song once you enter the house.
"A ritual can be a powerful tool when put to use in purposeful ways. It is defined as a solemn set of actions performed in a prescribed way and order."
Your Transition Ritual can be done when leaving work or when arriving home. Or you can do both! As you leave work, create a Transition Ritual that helps you leave work on your desk. And when you get home you can create another ritual that is less about shutting down, and more about winding up for an awesome evening with your family!
Before moving to the second strategy, here are some ideas of rituals, but get creative and make it your own.
Before leaving work
o Clean your inbox, write down tomorrows to-do list, close your computer.
o Plan your next day
o End with a minute of breathing
o Create a mantra you recite with the breathing
When arriving home
o Place a bowl at the door for your keys
o Put your phone on the charger in the back room
o Create a handshake with your kids
o Hug your family
o Drink a glass of water
o Put on comfy clothes
2) Make Tomorrows Task List Before Leaving Work
Have you ever carried home stress and you’re not even sure what it’s about? It’s as if we are carrying a sack over our shoulders and inside are a variety of things. It’s an unwritten list of everything you needed to do that you didn’t, a list of new tasks that need to be added tomorrow, the anxiety about that meeting coming in 13 hours, and uneasiness left over from that passive aggressive comment your co-worker made. All this stuff is contributing to a mental load you carry into your home, but you may not even be aware of them. All you feel is the stress and pressure of them weighing you down, or worse, you have gotten so used to the pressure you don’t even consciously notice the toll it collects from your wellbeing. That is the worst. To carry stuff (that feels so important) and to not even know what it is you carry. One way you can leave it at work is to first identify what ‘it’ even is.
"That is the worst. To carry stuff (that feels so important) and to not even know what it is you carry."
Before you leave the office take a few minutes to ask these questions:
- What tasks did I not finish today, and when will I do them tomorrow?
- Were there any interactions with clients, co-workers, or supervisors that rubbed me the wrong way?
- Did I respond to someone in a way that was outside of my character? Should I give an apology?
Bring all these things weighing on the back of your mind to the forefront, and deal with them, or make a plan to deal with them before you even leave for the day. Doing so will give you a better chance at not taking them home with you!
3) Use your commute to shift gears (if working from home, create a commute)
Daily commutes can be awful. But unless you are willing to change jobs, or move, it is what it is. So instead, of allowing them to be awful, use them as an opportunity. A daily commute can serve as a great opportunity to disconnect from work. Even if your commute is long and bogged in annoying traffic, it can serve as the gap between work and home where you purposefully let go of the work day and get your mind and heart ready to present at home.
Here are a few ideas :
- Listen to an audio book or podcast
- Play music
- Reflect
- Learn a new language
- Call a friend or loved one
- SILENCE!!
If your kids are a part of your commute,
- come up with a series of questions to ask each other each day.
- Invent a commute game
- Take turns picking a song to play and sing together
Remote work is becoming more and more common, which eliminates the daily commute, which can be great, but it can also make creating that separation between work and home more challenging. Even if you don’t have a true commute home from work, consider creating one.
When work ends for the day try…
- taking a walk around the block,
- walk to the mailbox,
- ride your bike or stationary bike for 15 minutes
- do a workout
- Listen to an audiobook or podcast on porch (much better than doing so in traffic)
4) Set Clear Expectation (for you and for others)
Depending on the nature of your job and your personality this may be easier or harder to do. The nature of some jobs allow you to leave work at work, while others require you to be on call or answer emails and calls at odd times. I work at a church, which means emails, calls, and text can come in at all times. That’s ok. I want to be available if someone is in crisis, but it does make it challenging to create a separation between work and home. I balance this the best I can, but I have found it helps when you communicate with your supervisor, coworker, or, in my case, congregants.
- Talk with your supervisor and/or co-workers about what the expectations are. Find out if you are expected to be available at all times. Is that a realistic expectation for what your job is, or can things genuinely wait until the next day? Having this conversation will help you and your supervisor be on the same page and guard against uncommunicated or unmet expectations for you both. It could also plant a seed in your supervisor’s mind. Next time they have something to say or give you after office hours, this conversation may spring to mind and they may realize on their own that it can wait.
- I use my kids as an excuse. I say it often, “I can’t believe how fast they are growing, I really don’t want to miss it. They are my priority right now, so I am protecting as much time as I can for them.” People get it, and (should) respect that. When we bring things back into a better perspective, it helps everyone be in alignment on priorities.
- When speaking with your boss do so tactfully. Don’t enter that conversation making demands. Instead, ask your employer what her or his expectation is and explain why you are asking.
5) Get Work Done at Work.
One reason we may not be able to leave work at work is because we are not getting work done at work. This could be for a variety of reason. It could be that we genuinely have too much on our plates and don’t have enough time get it done at work. But it could also be that we have not used our time at work effectively and efficiently. There are so many strategies for time management, priority setting, and staying motivated and focused at work. And different people will connect with different strategies and techniques. If you are unable to leave work at work and it is because you are not getting enough done during the work day, it may be time to develop or refine your time (and energy) management system. There are many resources out there with great ideas and systems. Look for podcasts, books, blogs and courses. Below I have listed a few that I have found helpful, but really you just need to dive into some content, try things, refine things and see what works for you. Over time I have taken pieces of different systems to create what works for me in each season of life. What worked in the era before kids and now with 3 kids is very, very different.
Here are a few resources I have found helpful:
12 Week Year by Brian P. Moran and Michael Lennington - Audiobook / Book*
Atomic Habits by James Clear - Audiobook / Book*
Deep Work by Cal Newport - Audiobook / Book*
Good to Great by Jim Collins - Audiobook / Book*
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey - Audiobook / Book*
The 5AM Club by Robin Sharma - Audiobook / Book*
The Road Less Stupid by Keith J. Cunningham - Audiobook / Book*
The One Thing by Gary Keller and Jay Papasan - Audiobook / Book*
Grit by Angela Duckworth - Audiobook / Book*
"If you are unable to leave work at work and it is because you are not getting enough done during the work day, it may be time to develop or refine your time (and energy) management system."
Conclusion:
There have been days when, even after following all the strategies and rituals, work still manages to find a way to weigh us down at home. It's okay. We're human, and life isn't always perfect. But the key is to keep trying, to keep being intentional, and to keep making a conscious effort to leave work at work so we can be fully present with our families.
Just like slipping off a heavy backpack after a rewarding day of hiking, we must learn to shed the burdens of work at the end of the day. By creating a transition ritual, making tomorrow's task list before leaving work, using our commutes (or creating a virtual one), setting clear expectations, and getting work done at work, we can cultivate a healthier work-life balance.
Remember, the journey to leave work at work is ongoing, and it requires commitment and practice. There will be days when it's challenging, but don't be discouraged. Keep reminding yourself of the greater things in life—your family, your loved ones, and the moments that truly matter.
As we adopt these strategies and embrace the intentional mindset, we can transform our lives from a thoughtless blink to a purposeful wink. Let us make our journey about finding more joy, fulfillment, and meaning with our families. Let's wake up every day, ready to claim the most from life and create a legacy of love, connection, and cherished memories.
So, take a deep breath, leave your work pack at the door, and step into the warmth of your home, fully present and ready to embrace the moments that truly count. Embrace the wink of life, and let it guide you towards the greater things that await you and your family. Together, we can cherish each moment, knowing that the moments we share with our loved ones are the ones that will truly shape our lives and leave a lasting impact on those we hold dear.
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